I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
