I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
