I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize