Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
