I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
