I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
