Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
