My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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