The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
