I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
