i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
