i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
