my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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