I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize