Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
