Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
