I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
