i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
