I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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