My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I touched a dick in church today
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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