I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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