im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize