I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
