i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
