nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Randomize
