So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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