I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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