We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
