i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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