This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
