She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
