You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
