i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
