Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
It was a blind-side dick pic.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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