The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
