His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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