Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
