i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
