Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Randomize
