Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
