I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
