He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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