so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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