Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
