I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize