I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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