You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
