your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
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