I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
