I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
