so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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