she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
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