so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
