Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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