dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Terrible idea I love it
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
