Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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